Well it happened. I had the urge to write and here I am. Actually writing. Not really sure if this one is to you or to myself or to nobody in particular but we'll see how this goes.
A few nights ago LW asked me if I'd actually pictured a life like the one I'm living. It wasn't a question of regret just one of choices. She was slightly taken aback when I told her that yes, I did picture a life with you long before I even tried to remember your name on that unseasonably warm November night in 2004.
You wouldn't be surprised to know that at one point there was digital evidence documenting that night. I wish I still had it. I'd only been living in New York for a few months and you were the second boy who unprompted and totally un-apologetically laid your cards on the table for me. I could have you if I wanted. I wasn't ready then, but I can remember sitting in my vibrant blue bedroom on 46th Street a few days later wondering what could've been if I had been. If I'd chosen a different "New York." If I'd done things differently, right even. But I couldn't remember your name and had no time to cash in on wistful thinking so I forged ahead.
Even though I went to invest all my time and energy into someone else's baby, New York was the first majorly selfish decision I'd made for myself. Reflecting on LW's question and thinking back on the last 27 years I've had few but nevertheless major sobering significant choices.
In the course of some of my moderate decisions...
Some were made out of complete negligence. Like all the red lights I've accidentally ran on late summer nights or the blinking yellow lights I've come to a complete stop for in the middle of the day.
Some out of passive aggression. Like when my dad asked my permission to sell the 1970 Chevelle convertible he'd "bought me" in an effort to get us to bond or any of the creative details I'd wanted for our wedding.
Some out of pure stubbornness. Like deciding to major in English instead of Journalism or doing any activity I might hate just to prove to myself that it does in fact suck as much as I thought it would.
Some out of impulse. Like agreeing to ride my bike 500 miles across a desolate state without any type of training or going streaking in the dead of night. (Though to be fair, most of this category also blends with parental or friendly peer pressure)
And some out of fear. Like NOT jumping off '76' Falls at Lake Cumberland that summer of 98 or refusing to go down any other way then my butt when faced with a Black Diamond slope at Keystone (CO).
The major ones though, the ones I can look back and call life changing we're the ones I made with such clarity its astonishing. And I say that not to pump air into my already awesomely inflated ego but because I find myself surrounded by people that can't weigh the difference. If that makes sense. Discounting the decision to stay in New York, they are as follows:
1. Deciding to come back to Michigan. Simply put the choice was mainly about where I wanted to start a life. I could remain in New York and continue to form my own likely lonely path OR I could come back to MI and start new while also facing all the things I'd originally run away from. I was experiencing so many exciting and different things back then but they were always alone. I was tired of being alone. I have always know that I enjoy actual activities a million times more when I'm sharing them with other people. I get high off other people's happiness. I don't know why, but it's just always been that way. Increasingly so after I started removing myself mentally from situations in order to properly write about them later. So the decision was easy. I'd been hiding from my independent potential for years. I could continue.
2. Deciding to call you. I sat in my car. I can't recall which car at the moment but I sat there practicing and rewinding and dreading the idea of you actually answering my call once I got up the nerve to make it. You were exactly the kind of trouble I didn't need, but of course exactly what I was looking for. You made me feel impulsive and sexy and drunk and powerful and cunning and dizzy and we'd only spent a handful of hours together (with other people) at the time. I wasn't looking for anything permanent, I was looking for light hearted, for someone that could forgive me for being human or at the very least help me forget. I was looking for a best friend. I had to ask Collin's for your number and I could sense his thoughts on the idea just from his breathing. You didn't answer (thank God) but you called back and that was the beginning of everything. And the truth is...I knew that the minute we met (for the 4th time).
3. Deciding that upon graduating from college, I would leave MI and start new again. This sort of falls under the stubborn category as well but it was a choice I made not long after moving back to MI and it was a decision I would stick with no matter where life was. I would have gone with or without you at the time. It was supposed to be my other NY. My second chance to really be selfish and explore other opportunities without being weighed down by the familiar paths.
3.5. Deciding to leave California. It wasn't working but more importantly we weren't working. In those five months, I'd let you slip even further into my heart and I knew we'd never recover if we stayed much longer. So I made a choice. I chose us over me over you. And it was easy. Because choosing you over me is always easy but choosing hope is easiest of all. And I saw it with you. I saw a wedding and I saw babies and I saw this path that I could take and some days it feels cowardly but almost all days it feels perfect.
So when LW asked me about my life vs contentment, I had an easy answer. Even though my life is not what I pictured, you have always and will continue to be the most important factor for as long as I've known you.
I guess all I'm trying to say is that I love you and that I need your help to push past myself and make you proud of me and better myself for us. Not for you and not for me, but for us. Just like before (see 3.5) but as I embark on this new life adventure I (cue Carrie Bradshaw) can't help but wonder if the decision was made out of habit or necessity to feel concrete movement in an otherwise ideal safety proof existence?
On a side note, you know what's awful? Why my astute yet annoying predictions are reality. Especially the ones involving nicking your finger with a shitty steak knife while trying to cut a lemon. It's like rubbing salt into a paper cut. Stings like a sonofabitch.
P.S. This song made me think of you *us. Better Than Love - Griffin House
P.P.S. I passed Day 4! Day 5 is a solo run where I have to know...everything. Including transitions and verbal features and wine presentations. So close!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
July 11th, 2011
Dear A,
Every Monday morning for the last 84 weeks or so R and I update each other on our weekends. I guess the habit is going to be hard to get out of. Even harder will be getting used to seeing your face so much. It's 1:25 and you haven't even left for work yet. HI FACE!
Haha.
It occurred to me yesterday that I never told you about my last day at work and only shared bits of pieces of my weekend when I was falling asleep. Hopefully I can still remember all the thoughtful details.
As I've mentioned, I don't know that the absence of FS will really sink in for several weeks. Even now the pressure of needing to study for my new job feels surreal. Maybe it has a lot to do with the incredibly jam packed over stimulated weekend I've had.
I spent most of Friday packing up my desk, making R create drawings and getting super incredible well wishes from coworkers. I can honestly say I never realized how much I impacted people's daily's lives of corporate boredom...or maybe just how polite people naturally are. I will take all of it as a lesson. I had lunch with R and L and got three YES THREE cards signed by everyone who all said wonderful things. I thanked Mr. J for starting on the crazy FS adventure with me and we even hugged. I wrote Jody a two page letter saying I'd miss her and updated her with as much FS info I could find to help her lead the team to future successes. It didn't occur to me until I was driving to N's that night to see baby Ian that I should have done something sentimental for R. She wore a pretty red shirt and held back tears when I left at 4. I guess when you spend a solid year chatting for 40 hours a week about nothing and everything, leaving doesn't really feel like an ending. I just assumed we'd continue staying in touch. I hope it stays like that.
Spending the evening with the nephew was oddly like living my life in syndication. I realized while trying to get him to laugh that he's almost the exact same age Henry was when I started watching him full time. And everything just seemed backwards. One baby I spent every day with for two years (http://jaded13.livejournal.com/128616.html#cutid1) and only see him now when I invite myself over to take my own photos once a year. The other baby I won't get to see every day but will somehow be closer to in the long run. There was a moment when your sister told me they planned on paying your mom to watch him for a while that I wanted to stand up and shout: pick me (to love your baby the 3rd most)! trust me (to teach him how to high five and to love dancing)! let me (start my life over through you)! But none of that was fair and your sister isn't anything like C and love is love man no matter the distance. So we did a photo shoot and I rubbed his belly when he got crabby and he laughed as he spit up on me and I DON'T WANT MY OWN BABY YET!
The rest of that night you know all about. We met at theee Vidal's house warming party and marveled at their closet space and radio stove from 1954 and I paused to breathe in these amazing people that I've known for an entire decade that still find themselves amused by me enough to stick around. Then you walked me to my car like we were still new.
Saturday morning I woke up and met Tom for my first ever Eastern Market extravaganza. I fell in love with the city I hardly know.Again. It's amazing down there. I think I might just be fascinated by entrepreneurship and vegetables and drifters though. Plus being around Tom is like being pelted with the Care Bear Stare where every idea and dream is happy and possible. Then he took me to Ernie's for the largest sandwich (please consult the photo I sent you on Saturday) of my life. FOR only $5! Don't worry I'll take you there soon.
After that I headed to Clinton Twp for some quality H and J time. Then to Clarkston to meet Christoph whom I've previously gushed about. It seems completely insane that I would feel so comfortable with a cousin 10 years my junior, that I've never met and comes from a different country. But I really really hope you get to meet him. Since your family is so small (with limited drama) and you're a dude, I don't know if this next part will make much sense when I try to explain it...but ... well ... eff it I can't explain my feelings about the situation at all. It's complicated. I'm complicated. Family is complicated. I'm just happy he's so cool and now desperately want to take Leah and Evan (or YOU of course) to Germany immediately (right after I go to NC for OTH).
After all that I celebrated celiac disease and NOT cancer with KB. I'm going to have to start taking lessons from him on how to be a proper part-time working continuing educational studious person. It's taken me like 3 hours to get half this blog out...studying again will not be easy.
Sunday we slept until the girls arrive for my already failed attempt at adventure. You said it best: I wanted a day to bond but instead I just got a day to hang out. All in all it was still nice to be on the lake and get some sun and laugh with Christoph. At least laughter is universal. I really wish you'd been there when I tried to explain an expression (not to be confused with but ultimately accepted as an expression for a photo) like "he's such a ham!"
Afterward it was dinner with your dad, my hormonal moment, hand holding on our way to slurpees and staying up way to late looking at houses we can't afford. But you were there for all that.
I think I'm done now. I've had to pee for like 20mins and am hungry again AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVER RESPOND ANYMORE ANYWAY. (cough cough)
I'm still nervous about tomorrow though and the rest of the foreseeable future. All of this is super uncomfortable to me. I'm terrible with finding the initial balances of being proactive and productive and less panicky. In order for me to relax enough to enjoy tasks like "organizing our important paperwork" I feel like I need a week off with no concerte plans, but more then a week off without any time of direction or small daily plans makes me antsy and depressed.
In the meantime, I'm going to buy another fan for up here, upload a bazillion photos for people to look at, eat some food, read an email from R!, study for J's tomorrow...oh! and pee. Hope your night at work goes well.
OH! One more thing...
So is all this a beginning or an ending or just a da capo?
<3L
Every Monday morning for the last 84 weeks or so R and I update each other on our weekends. I guess the habit is going to be hard to get out of. Even harder will be getting used to seeing your face so much. It's 1:25 and you haven't even left for work yet. HI FACE!
Haha.
It occurred to me yesterday that I never told you about my last day at work and only shared bits of pieces of my weekend when I was falling asleep. Hopefully I can still remember all the thoughtful details.
As I've mentioned, I don't know that the absence of FS will really sink in for several weeks. Even now the pressure of needing to study for my new job feels surreal. Maybe it has a lot to do with the incredibly jam packed over stimulated weekend I've had.
I spent most of Friday packing up my desk, making R create drawings and getting super incredible well wishes from coworkers. I can honestly say I never realized how much I impacted people's daily's lives of corporate boredom...or maybe just how polite people naturally are. I will take all of it as a lesson. I had lunch with R and L and got three YES THREE cards signed by everyone who all said wonderful things. I thanked Mr. J for starting on the crazy FS adventure with me and we even hugged. I wrote Jody a two page letter saying I'd miss her and updated her with as much FS info I could find to help her lead the team to future successes. It didn't occur to me until I was driving to N's that night to see baby Ian that I should have done something sentimental for R. She wore a pretty red shirt and held back tears when I left at 4. I guess when you spend a solid year chatting for 40 hours a week about nothing and everything, leaving doesn't really feel like an ending. I just assumed we'd continue staying in touch. I hope it stays like that.
Spending the evening with the nephew was oddly like living my life in syndication. I realized while trying to get him to laugh that he's almost the exact same age Henry was when I started watching him full time. And everything just seemed backwards. One baby I spent every day with for two years (http://jaded13.livejournal.com/128616.html#cutid1) and only see him now when I invite myself over to take my own photos once a year. The other baby I won't get to see every day but will somehow be closer to in the long run. There was a moment when your sister told me they planned on paying your mom to watch him for a while that I wanted to stand up and shout: pick me (to love your baby the 3rd most)! trust me (to teach him how to high five and to love dancing)! let me (start my life over through you)! But none of that was fair and your sister isn't anything like C and love is love man no matter the distance. So we did a photo shoot and I rubbed his belly when he got crabby and he laughed as he spit up on me and I DON'T WANT MY OWN BABY YET!
The rest of that night you know all about. We met at theee Vidal's house warming party and marveled at their closet space and radio stove from 1954 and I paused to breathe in these amazing people that I've known for an entire decade that still find themselves amused by me enough to stick around. Then you walked me to my car like we were still new.
Saturday morning I woke up and met Tom for my first ever Eastern Market extravaganza. I fell in love with the city I hardly know.Again. It's amazing down there. I think I might just be fascinated by entrepreneurship and vegetables and drifters though. Plus being around Tom is like being pelted with the Care Bear Stare where every idea and dream is happy and possible. Then he took me to Ernie's for the largest sandwich (please consult the photo I sent you on Saturday) of my life. FOR only $5! Don't worry I'll take you there soon.
After that I headed to Clinton Twp for some quality H and J time. Then to Clarkston to meet Christoph whom I've previously gushed about. It seems completely insane that I would feel so comfortable with a cousin 10 years my junior, that I've never met and comes from a different country. But I really really hope you get to meet him. Since your family is so small (with limited drama) and you're a dude, I don't know if this next part will make much sense when I try to explain it...but ... well ... eff it I can't explain my feelings about the situation at all. It's complicated. I'm complicated. Family is complicated. I'm just happy he's so cool and now desperately want to take Leah and Evan (or YOU of course) to Germany immediately (right after I go to NC for OTH).
After all that I celebrated celiac disease and NOT cancer with KB. I'm going to have to start taking lessons from him on how to be a proper part-time working continuing educational studious person. It's taken me like 3 hours to get half this blog out...studying again will not be easy.
Sunday we slept until the girls arrive for my already failed attempt at adventure. You said it best: I wanted a day to bond but instead I just got a day to hang out. All in all it was still nice to be on the lake and get some sun and laugh with Christoph. At least laughter is universal. I really wish you'd been there when I tried to explain an expression (not to be confused with but ultimately accepted as an expression for a photo) like "he's such a ham!"
Afterward it was dinner with your dad, my hormonal moment, hand holding on our way to slurpees and staying up way to late looking at houses we can't afford. But you were there for all that.
I think I'm done now. I've had to pee for like 20mins and am hungry again AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVER RESPOND ANYMORE ANYWAY. (cough cough)
I'm still nervous about tomorrow though and the rest of the foreseeable future. All of this is super uncomfortable to me. I'm terrible with finding the initial balances of being proactive and productive and less panicky. In order for me to relax enough to enjoy tasks like "organizing our important paperwork" I feel like I need a week off with no concerte plans, but more then a week off without any time of direction or small daily plans makes me antsy and depressed.
In the meantime, I'm going to buy another fan for up here, upload a bazillion photos for people to look at, eat some food, read an email from R!, study for J's tomorrow...oh! and pee. Hope your night at work goes well.
OH! One more thing...
So is all this a beginning or an ending or just a da capo?
<3L
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
July 6th, 2011
Husband,
I just turned on the tv and found a ridiculous bicycle crash. Twelve cyclists just in a pissed off pile. Is this some sort of Le Tour de France channel. All cyclists all the time? Every time I turn on the tv after you it's just french men pedaling away.
Anyway I hope you're feeling better. I'm much less irritated about last night now. I just had high hopes for the evening and you squashed them with your sleep. Guess there's always Friday. Wait are you even off Friday?
Today I spent most of the day prepping for my meeting tomorrow. I made a bunch of folders and R drew some pictures and it was like playing teacher early! Haha. But really I should probably run a scrapbook class. I'm a little bit nervous about how it'll all go down but trying to stay positive. In the long run (aka two days from now) it won't matter what I say or what any of my intentions are for the future of the P&P team but watching it matter so much to Dave still makes me want to try one last ditch effort. I think I might take a half day tomorrow (to visit OU) because heaven forbid I actually do any real work before my last day. We shall see.
A kindle commercial just came on and I suddenly find myself enraged.
I had lunch with Jeff outside today on the curb near the woods. The shade was quite inviting after walking 1/2 a mile to find a spot. We sat around chatting about film and creativity and the blog world and fear of planning and aging and taking chances all while munching on leftovers. He's a good guy.
I spent the rest of the afternoon reading a new mom blog about a women who moved from San Jose to Manhattan so her husband could go to dental school. I was mostly fascinated and appalled at their ability to make this venture strictly on student loans. So 4 years of NYU dental school, with 4 years of rent on lower east side, while raising two kids under the age of 5 (with one more on the way), plus food and utilities and metro cars and etc. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE HOW MUCH MONEY THAT IS? How does something like that even get approved? It did give me hope for our future home. AND SHOWED me this: http://moomah.com/about/job_opportunities/ (how Henry and I never found this place I'll never know)
After making R create cute drawings for my meeting but before Jeff and I had lunch I got a call from Susan. Apparently my availablity sheet is missing and she wanted to plan my training schedule. Without thinking I told her I was free the entire week next week, but I forgot to factor in HARRY POTTER and cousin Christoph's visit and family dinner and meeting with OU and a follow up appointment for my pesky root canal. So fuck. I think I'm just going to print out a calender at work tomorrow and fill out the entire month of July and give it to them tomorrow at lunch.
The pp appointment took FOREVER, but I finally got in. During which I rambled continously about my period, our "finger's crossed" method, how adorable you are and about how I don't want babies but am afraid I might never have babies all to a women I didn't even realize was pregnant at first. What can I say? I get super nervous when I'm not wearing any pants. I celebrated this extreme awkwardness with a giant twist cone at Dairy Queen. You can judge me after you've had a cold metal tong inserted and opened in your business.
This isn't baby fever is it? Because I feel like there's this pressure everywhere to jump start our lives in that direction and I'm just not up for it. BUT IT'S EVERYWHERE. And then I start thinking about what a cute little family we'd be and how great you'd be while I was pregnant (because you're just that kind of guy) and how the baby would have your eyes and my cowlicks and soft curly sandy blond hair and then the whole thing sounds so romantic and I cry out a bunch of womanly hormones! On the flip side I feel like high fiving myself for making it the whole first year of marriage with only being fat and not with child. Why is that? I've never had any intention of turning 2 into 3 right away. Can't I just chill world/lady hormones!? Can I just not think about it or talk about it for 20mins? To prove nothing to nobody, I plan on having hot dogs with mac in cheese at 10pm. I can't have a baby if I'm still a baby! See what I did there universe?! I want babies LATER. Not NEVER just LAAATTER.
On a semi related note, I had to pee on my way to the appointment but held it in case they needed any for testing. 1.5 hours later still full of pee, I stood on the scale and found out I weigh 127lbs. 5 minutes later after finally relieving myself I REweighed myself and am only 125lbs! That's huge! Pee weighs 2lbs!! Fun fact of the day. Boom!
OH! And the whole appointment only cost me $4! I added an extra $20 because I heart that place.
In other news, I started a new project. Here's proof (along with a hilarious photo of Bruce Lee):
<3 Wifey
P.S. Natalie Portman named her baby Alef, but I think it's pronounced ALA-IF instead of Elf. At least I hope.
I just turned on the tv and found a ridiculous bicycle crash. Twelve cyclists just in a pissed off pile. Is this some sort of Le Tour de France channel. All cyclists all the time? Every time I turn on the tv after you it's just french men pedaling away.
Anyway I hope you're feeling better. I'm much less irritated about last night now. I just had high hopes for the evening and you squashed them with your sleep. Guess there's always Friday. Wait are you even off Friday?
Today I spent most of the day prepping for my meeting tomorrow. I made a bunch of folders and R drew some pictures and it was like playing teacher early! Haha. But really I should probably run a scrapbook class. I'm a little bit nervous about how it'll all go down but trying to stay positive. In the long run (aka two days from now) it won't matter what I say or what any of my intentions are for the future of the P&P team but watching it matter so much to Dave still makes me want to try one last ditch effort. I think I might take a half day tomorrow (to visit OU) because heaven forbid I actually do any real work before my last day. We shall see.
A kindle commercial just came on and I suddenly find myself enraged.
I had lunch with Jeff outside today on the curb near the woods. The shade was quite inviting after walking 1/2 a mile to find a spot. We sat around chatting about film and creativity and the blog world and fear of planning and aging and taking chances all while munching on leftovers. He's a good guy.
I spent the rest of the afternoon reading a new mom blog about a women who moved from San Jose to Manhattan so her husband could go to dental school. I was mostly fascinated and appalled at their ability to make this venture strictly on student loans. So 4 years of NYU dental school, with 4 years of rent on lower east side, while raising two kids under the age of 5 (with one more on the way), plus food and utilities and metro cars and etc. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE HOW MUCH MONEY THAT IS? How does something like that even get approved? It did give me hope for our future home. AND SHOWED me this: http://moomah.com/about/job_
After making R create cute drawings for my meeting but before Jeff and I had lunch I got a call from Susan. Apparently my availablity sheet is missing and she wanted to plan my training schedule. Without thinking I told her I was free the entire week next week, but I forgot to factor in HARRY POTTER and cousin Christoph's visit and family dinner and meeting with OU and a follow up appointment for my pesky root canal. So fuck. I think I'm just going to print out a calender at work tomorrow and fill out the entire month of July and give it to them tomorrow at lunch.
The pp appointment took FOREVER, but I finally got in. During which I rambled continously about my period, our "finger's crossed" method, how adorable you are and about how I don't want babies but am afraid I might never have babies all to a women I didn't even realize was pregnant at first. What can I say? I get super nervous when I'm not wearing any pants. I celebrated this extreme awkwardness with a giant twist cone at Dairy Queen. You can judge me after you've had a cold metal tong inserted and opened in your business.
This isn't baby fever is it? Because I feel like there's this pressure everywhere to jump start our lives in that direction and I'm just not up for it. BUT IT'S EVERYWHERE. And then I start thinking about what a cute little family we'd be and how great you'd be while I was pregnant (because you're just that kind of guy) and how the baby would have your eyes and my cowlicks and soft curly sandy blond hair and then the whole thing sounds so romantic and I cry out a bunch of womanly hormones! On the flip side I feel like high fiving myself for making it the whole first year of marriage with only being fat and not with child. Why is that? I've never had any intention of turning 2 into 3 right away. Can't I just chill world/lady hormones!? Can I just not think about it or talk about it for 20mins? To prove nothing to nobody, I plan on having hot dogs with mac in cheese at 10pm. I can't have a baby if I'm still a baby! See what I did there universe?! I want babies LATER. Not NEVER just LAAATTER.
On a semi related note, I had to pee on my way to the appointment but held it in case they needed any for testing. 1.5 hours later still full of pee, I stood on the scale and found out I weigh 127lbs. 5 minutes later after finally relieving myself I REweighed myself and am only 125lbs! That's huge! Pee weighs 2lbs!! Fun fact of the day. Boom!
OH! And the whole appointment only cost me $4! I added an extra $20 because I heart that place.
In other news, I started a new project. Here's proof (along with a hilarious photo of Bruce Lee):
<3 Wifey
P.S. Natalie Portman named her baby Alef, but I think it's pronounced ALA-IF instead of Elf. At least I hope.
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