July 11th, 2011

Dear A,

Every Monday morning for the last 84 weeks or so R and I update each other on our weekends. I guess the habit is going to be hard to get out of. Even harder will be getting used to seeing your face so much. It's 1:25 and you haven't even left for work yet. HI FACE!

Haha.

It occurred to me yesterday that I never told you about my last day at work and only shared bits of pieces of my weekend when I was falling asleep. Hopefully I can still remember all the thoughtful details.

As I've mentioned, I don't know that the absence of FS will really sink in for several weeks. Even now the pressure of needing to study for my new job feels surreal. Maybe it has a lot to do with the incredibly jam packed over stimulated weekend I've had.

I spent most of Friday packing up my desk, making R create drawings and getting super incredible well wishes from coworkers. I can honestly say I never realized how much I impacted people's daily's lives of corporate boredom...or maybe just how polite people naturally are. I will take all of it as a lesson. I had lunch with R and L and got three YES THREE cards signed by everyone who all said wonderful things. I thanked Mr. J for starting on the crazy FS adventure with me and we even hugged. I wrote Jody a two page letter saying I'd miss her and updated her with as much FS info I could find to help her lead the team to future successes. It didn't occur to me until I was driving to N's that night to see baby Ian that I should have done something sentimental for R. She wore a pretty red shirt and held back tears when I left at 4. I guess when you spend a solid year chatting for 40 hours a week about nothing and everything, leaving doesn't really feel like an ending. I just assumed we'd continue staying in touch. I hope it stays like that.

Spending the evening with the nephew was oddly like living my life in syndication. I realized while trying to get him to laugh that he's almost the exact same age Henry was when I started watching him full time. And everything just seemed backwards. One baby I spent every day with for two years (http://jaded13.livejournal.com/128616.html#cutid1) and only see him now when I invite myself over to take my own photos once a year. The other baby I won't get to see every day but will somehow be closer to in the long run. There was a moment when your sister told me they planned on paying your mom to watch him for a while that I wanted to stand up and shout: pick me (to love your baby the 3rd most)! trust me (to teach him how to high five and to love dancing)! let me (start my life over through you)! But none of that was fair and your sister isn't anything like C and love is love man no matter the distance. So we did a photo shoot and I rubbed his belly when he got crabby and he laughed as he spit up on me and I DON'T WANT MY OWN BABY YET!

The rest of that night you know all about. We met at theee Vidal's house warming party and marveled at their closet space and radio stove from 1954 and I paused to breathe in these amazing people that I've known for an entire decade that still find themselves amused by me enough to stick around. Then you walked me to my car like we were still new.

Saturday morning I woke up and met Tom for my first ever Eastern Market extravaganza. I fell in love with the city I hardly know.Again. It's amazing down there. I think I might just be fascinated by entrepreneurship and vegetables and drifters though. Plus being around Tom is like being pelted with the Care Bear Stare where every idea and dream is happy and possible. Then he took me to Ernie's for the largest sandwich (please consult the photo I sent you on Saturday) of my life. FOR only $5! Don't worry I'll take you there soon.

After that I headed to Clinton Twp for some quality H and J time. Then to Clarkston to meet Christoph whom I've previously gushed about. It seems completely insane that I would feel so comfortable with a cousin 10 years my junior, that I've never met and comes from a different country. But I really really hope you get to meet him. Since your family is so small (with limited drama) and you're a dude, I don't know if this next part will make much sense when I try to explain it...but ... well ... eff it I can't explain my feelings about the situation at all. It's complicated. I'm complicated. Family is complicated. I'm just happy he's so cool and now desperately want to take Leah and Evan (or YOU of course) to Germany immediately (right after I go to NC for OTH).

After all that I celebrated celiac disease and NOT cancer with KB. I'm going to have to start taking lessons from him on how to be a proper part-time working continuing educational studious person. It's taken me like 3 hours to get half this blog out...studying again will not be easy.

Sunday we slept until the girls arrive for my already failed attempt at adventure. You said it best: I wanted a day to bond but instead I just got a day to hang out. All in all it was still nice to be on the lake and get some sun and laugh with Christoph. At least laughter is universal. I really wish you'd been there when I tried to explain an expression (not to be confused with but ultimately accepted as an expression for a photo) like "he's such a ham!"

Afterward it was dinner with your dad, my hormonal moment, hand holding on our way to slurpees and staying up way to late looking at houses we can't afford. But you were there for all that.

I think I'm done now. I've had to pee for like 20mins and am hungry again AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVER RESPOND ANYMORE ANYWAY. (cough cough)

I'm still nervous about tomorrow though and the rest of the foreseeable future. All of this is super uncomfortable to me. I'm terrible with finding the initial balances of being proactive and productive and less panicky. In order for me to relax enough to enjoy tasks like "organizing our important paperwork" I feel like I need a week off with no concerte plans, but more then a week off without any time of direction or small daily plans makes me antsy and depressed.

In the meantime, I'm going to buy another fan for up here, upload a bazillion photos for people to look at, eat some food, read an email from R!, study for J's tomorrow...oh! and pee. Hope your night at work goes well.

OH! One more thing...

So is all this a beginning or an ending or just a da capo?

<3L