Well it happened. I had the urge to write and here I am. Actually writing. Not really sure if this one is to you or to myself or to nobody in particular but we'll see how this goes.
A few nights ago LW asked me if I'd actually pictured a life like the one I'm living. It wasn't a question of regret just one of choices. She was slightly taken aback when I told her that yes, I did picture a life with you long before I even tried to remember your name on that unseasonably warm November night in 2004.
You wouldn't be surprised to know that at one point there was digital evidence documenting that night. I wish I still had it. I'd only been living in New York for a few months and you were the second boy who unprompted and totally un-apologetically laid your cards on the table for me. I could have you if I wanted. I wasn't ready then, but I can remember sitting in my vibrant blue bedroom on 46th Street a few days later wondering what could've been if I had been. If I'd chosen a different "New York." If I'd done things differently, right even. But I couldn't remember your name and had no time to cash in on wistful thinking so I forged ahead.
Even though I went to invest all my time and energy into someone else's baby, New York was the first majorly selfish decision I'd made for myself. Reflecting on LW's question and thinking back on the last 27 years I've had few but nevertheless major sobering significant choices.
In the course of some of my moderate decisions...
Some were made out of complete negligence. Like all the red lights I've accidentally ran on late summer nights or the blinking yellow lights I've come to a complete stop for in the middle of the day.
Some out of passive aggression. Like when my dad asked my permission to sell the 1970 Chevelle convertible he'd "bought me" in an effort to get us to bond or any of the creative details I'd wanted for our wedding.
Some out of pure stubbornness. Like deciding to major in English instead of Journalism or doing any activity I might hate just to prove to myself that it does in fact suck as much as I thought it would.
Some out of impulse. Like agreeing to ride my bike 500 miles across a desolate state without any type of training or going streaking in the dead of night. (Though to be fair, most of this category also blends with parental or friendly peer pressure)
And some out of fear. Like NOT jumping off '76' Falls at Lake Cumberland that summer of 98 or refusing to go down any other way then my butt when faced with a Black Diamond slope at Keystone (CO).
The major ones though, the ones I can look back and call life changing we're the ones I made with such clarity its astonishing. And I say that not to pump air into my already awesomely inflated ego but because I find myself surrounded by people that can't weigh the difference. If that makes sense. Discounting the decision to stay in New York, they are as follows:
1. Deciding to come back to Michigan. Simply put the choice was mainly about where I wanted to start a life. I could remain in New York and continue to form my own likely lonely path OR I could come back to MI and start new while also facing all the things I'd originally run away from. I was experiencing so many exciting and different things back then but they were always alone. I was tired of being alone. I have always know that I enjoy actual activities a million times more when I'm sharing them with other people. I get high off other people's happiness. I don't know why, but it's just always been that way. Increasingly so after I started removing myself mentally from situations in order to properly write about them later. So the decision was easy. I'd been hiding from my independent potential for years. I could continue.
2. Deciding to call you. I sat in my car. I can't recall which car at the moment but I sat there practicing and rewinding and dreading the idea of you actually answering my call once I got up the nerve to make it. You were exactly the kind of trouble I didn't need, but of course exactly what I was looking for. You made me feel impulsive and sexy and drunk and powerful and cunning and dizzy and we'd only spent a handful of hours together (with other people) at the time. I wasn't looking for anything permanent, I was looking for light hearted, for someone that could forgive me for being human or at the very least help me forget. I was looking for a best friend. I had to ask Collin's for your number and I could sense his thoughts on the idea just from his breathing. You didn't answer (thank God) but you called back and that was the beginning of everything. And the truth is...I knew that the minute we met (for the 4th time).
3. Deciding that upon graduating from college, I would leave MI and start new again. This sort of falls under the stubborn category as well but it was a choice I made not long after moving back to MI and it was a decision I would stick with no matter where life was. I would have gone with or without you at the time. It was supposed to be my other NY. My second chance to really be selfish and explore other opportunities without being weighed down by the familiar paths.
3.5. Deciding to leave California. It wasn't working but more importantly we weren't working. In those five months, I'd let you slip even further into my heart and I knew we'd never recover if we stayed much longer. So I made a choice. I chose us over me over you. And it was easy. Because choosing you over me is always easy but choosing hope is easiest of all. And I saw it with you. I saw a wedding and I saw babies and I saw this path that I could take and some days it feels cowardly but almost all days it feels perfect.
So when LW asked me about my life vs contentment, I had an easy answer. Even though my life is not what I pictured, you have always and will continue to be the most important factor for as long as I've known you.
I guess all I'm trying to say is that I love you and that I need your help to push past myself and make you proud of me and better myself for us. Not for you and not for me, but for us. Just like before (see 3.5) but as I embark on this new life adventure I (cue Carrie Bradshaw) can't help but wonder if the decision was made out of habit or necessity to feel concrete movement in an otherwise ideal safety proof existence?
On a side note, you know what's awful? Why my astute yet annoying predictions are reality. Especially the ones involving nicking your finger with a shitty steak knife while trying to cut a lemon. It's like rubbing salt into a paper cut. Stings like a sonofabitch.
P.S. This song made me think of you *us. Better Than Love - Griffin House
P.P.S. I passed Day 4! Day 5 is a solo run where I have to know...everything. Including transitions and verbal features and wine presentations. So close!
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